SOME WICKET CRICKET PUNS!
I haven’t written on this small and twatty blog for quite some time, but I feel that there is an emerging trend that you should be aware of. You – as in YOU, singular, the one person that reads my blog.
Recently a craze has swept the nation of cells in my head. This craze is the pun of the cricket variety…
As mentioned in an earlier post, I am a staunch believer in the power of punning. It is the lowest and the highest form of wit, an endless process that that makes those awkward moments of silence between gags worth it. It is often an ice breaker during many an awkward moment, the messiah of gags, elegently nailed to a comedy-shaped cross.
The rules for this punning session, is for the punner – as smooth or tenuously as they wish – to insert one or more cricketer’s name or cricketing term into the title of a film. I am going to compile a list here, of the best ones as they are made. Here are my favourites and some that myself and my friends prepared earlier:
- Glove Actually
- The Passion Of Gilchrist
- Akhtar The Future
- Star Waughs – The Umpire Strikes Bat
- Star Waughs – Revenge Of The Six
- Vaughan Flew Oval The Kookaburra’s Nest
- Dhoni Darko
- Christian Bail as Batman
- Catch me If You Can
- Lords Of The Rings
- Nightwatchmen
- Fielder Of Dreams
- About A Boycott
- Spin City
- Turner & Gooch
- Waugh & Peace
- Flipper
- Getting Even With Pad
- Eyes Wide Shut
- Maiden Manhattan
- My Four Lady
- In No-Ball Family
- Gangulys Of New Yorker
- Star Trek: The Wrath Of Kahn
- Vaughan Of the Worlds
- You’ve Got Bail
- Pollock
- Willow
- Burn Collingwood Burn
- Bowling For Columbine
- Angela’s Ashes
- legspin Of the Fall
- Gone With The W.Indies
- White Men Can’t Stump
- All-Rounder The Town
- The People Vs Larry Flintoff
- Twenty20 8 Days Later
- Seam America
- The Full Monty
- No County For Old Men
- Hawk-Eyes Wide Shut
- Face Off-Stump
- Fours Weddings And A Funeral
- The Truth About Bats and Slogs
- Saving W.G Grace
- Spinderella
- Tango & Catch
- Spindler’s List
- Singh-ing In The Rain
- Logan’s Run
- King (Of Spain) & I
- Monty Python: The Life Of Brian Lara
- Stop Or My Muli Will Shoot
- Far And Owais
- Gower Rangers: The Movie
- She’s Owzat
- The Shining
- Doc Collingwood
- Brewster’s Pavillions
- Along Came Pollock
- The Silence Of The Lamb
- The Wicket Man
- Angela’s Ashes
- Dumbslog Millionaire
- Trainsponting
- Googleyfellas
- To Kill A DickieBird
- Das Both(ham)
- Crease
- Crease 2
- Trentbridge Over The River Kwai
- Homeward Boundary
- The Big LegBreakski
- Spongebob SquareCut: Battle For Bikini Botham
- Fried Green Defreitas at the Whistlestop Cafe
- Goodbye Mr Slips
- Devon Malcolm X
- Lakeside Story
- Plum & Plummer
- MCC Biscuit
- Goughice Space
Owzat!?
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IDEAS FOR A NEW BUSINESS
So, I reckon I’m going to start with the name and figure out what my business will specialise in afterwards.
- Wet Meme – A very verile viral marketing agency. Motto would be something like: ‘Spunking Viral Batter All Over The Global Inbox’.
- Johnny Cache – A Flickr-esque site that allows you to store photos of condoms.
- Mask-A-Pony – A company that makes horse blinkers out of cheese.
- AuthorDentist – A dentist that writes books. Maybe about teeth, but the best ones write about whatever.
Soz
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IVES SAYS: LOTS OF THINGS
I Googled the url of my blog today. Not only am I on the cutting edge of technology by doing this, I’m also a total melon merchant.
Anyway, turns out Ives Says lot’s of things Ives no remember:
- “So as Ives says, it looks like Parkhurst will not be coming to Fulham”
- “Ives says the church will not press charges.”
- “Ives says it expands his mind and challenges him to be a true individual”
- “Ives says that it is dermatologist tested, non-drying, oil-free, Vitamin-A rich and contains apricot extract.”
Time to save this disastrous post with some of this…
I used to have this album, ‘Internal Affairs’ by Pharoahe Monch, can’t find it now, and they stopped making it due to the use of an illegal Godzilla sample on this song. They don’t even sell it on iTunes. I want this back on my iPod and in my life. Somebody send me the mp3…
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PEACHES GELDOF’S BURGER
Sounds a bit rude doesn’t it?
I went to the NME awards last night, to scoop my best blog in the world award. I just so happened to get into the posh bit, where they had free burgers and ketchup and shit. Being hungry, I stole Peaches Geldof’s burger.
Seemed practical at the time, seems like a filthy headline today.
WTFFFFFFFFFF?
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Cabot Circus Clown Lynching.
Haven’t posted for a while, mainly to prevent myself from publicly talking all sorts of twattery in the wait for an actual theme or something interesting.
I found something worth posting, so eat shit…
Yesterday, I ventured to Cabot Circus for a spot of ’shopping my eyes off’. Pretty boring, much the same as ever. But right at the end of my trip – on my treck back to the car park – I saw this; A clown lynched by his own balloons, carrying shopping bags and trapped in the huge glass dome above the shopping doom. A nice little light anti-consumerist, fight the power, fuck da police type stunt for other educated, ponsey, grown up wannabe revolutionaries like me to flick my branded phone camera at. Bristol Evening Post and Points West will undoubtedly jump to think it’s Banksy, it might be, but maybe not…can’t see much on it online yet.
Zoomed out. There he is, the cheeky blighter in the top-right:
Zoomed in – Just oozes politics and shit:
Ananuvva:
Shame I didn’t have a better camera.
The end.
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UNETHICAL ADVERTISING?
Creating effective advertising, while remaining edgy and within the boundaries of good taste is tricky business. On the other hand, promising what you can’t guarantee is a ballsy move any cocking day of the week.
This exquisite example of self-promotion adorned (and probably still adorns) the rice section at our local Chinese buffet. The name was intriguing, to the point and caught my consumerist – and lightly famished – eye almost immediately. I didn’t know what to expect, but after sampling said product, I can only suggest that they rethink the name of their dish. For example, ‘Rather Special Fried Rice’, ‘Rice’ or just removing the word ‘Special’ altogether.
Maybe it was a northern bloke spelling it phonetically; or bird, women can be as phonetic as men.
This lesson should be noted by other pan-Asian restaraunts. I recently ordered ‘Fish Balls Ho Fun’ at another Bristol establishment and only received a plate of food.
A real let down in both cases.
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BUTTON RINSED IT
Exquisite housemate and film-making lothario Christoper Button won an award tonight.
Or in other leet-like words:
HE RINSED IT BLOOD. WTF? OMG!
He won the category of best ‘Undergraduate Fictional’ film at the Royal Television Society awards 2009, hosted at the Picture House, Bristol. His piece ‘Baldric’ – a short film that chronicled his Mother’s journal, kept during her battle with a brain tumour – won against stiff competition from other South West applicants. The victory will see the Buttmeister heading on down to London for the national final of his category.
I write this live from the venue, where the following photograph was just taken:
- Wonky picture is a cleverly implemented artistic decision, FYI, ROFLMFAO.
I’m now writing this segment from home. Button appreciated the sentiment of me blogging his victory live via satelite, but preferred that I stopped looking like a douchebag on a Mac so we could enjoy the celebrations and he could show me off to his new filmy mates. We had free Sol, crisps and potato wedges. OMG.
Well done Mr Christopher Buttons (a reference to the misspelling on the trophy)! I’m proud of you, and our house is now 35% better with a trophy on our mantle!
Laugh out loud.
x
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LUNCH IN THE OFFICE.
LAURA HAD SOUP.
ALEX HAD SOUP.
THEY COULD BE BROTHER & SISTER. LAUGHING OUT LOUD. ROLLING ON FLOOR LAUGHING.
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Due to an overwhelming request to stop using capitals (as they are annoying), I have decided to repent and use correct formatting for this post.
oh shit, forgot to start this sentence with a capital letter.
Laughing out loud, what the fuck?, oh my god, be right back, got to go, rolling on the floor laughing my fucking arse off, for your information.
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